I don’t know why the Lord asked us to go on this journey after just facing the trial of our lives. It wasn’t a single event so much as the straw that broke the camels back and our lives were falling apart at the seams. It was like a dam broke and with it a flood of tears, sorrow and grief came rushing out. As we were trying to pick up the pieces we were divinely guided the whole way, meeting people along the way that blessed our lives in ways that we desperately needed. Still the dam gushed ferociously as we tried to make sense of all that was happening while trying to do regular life. It was during this journey of grief and healing that we felt impressed to do this kinetic lifestyle.
We were both in a vulnerable place but we had faith and pushed forward. We slowly let go of our things and the false sense of security that they brought. Then it was goodbye to our home, our community and our friends at church. Then once we left Utah it was goodbye to our friends and family. Each level of letting go brought more feelings of fear and anxiety. Then as we left the state we have called home for so long, the anxiety grew.
I feel as if the Lord is taking away all of those things that cause a false sense of security so that I can more fully rely on Him where true security lies but let me tell you it’s a painful process. It’s like spiritual surgery with no anesthetic and though I know it’s all of the healing and character traits I have asked for, for years, I still fight it tooth and nail. Then in time I realize He is just trying to help me and I go through the motions I need to go through to heal and develop the character trait(s) that I need to get through this particular trial or limiting belief.
I’ve posted about our journey of getting ready and about our adventures thus far but the real and raw journey is the journey of the heart. I have been given so many opportunities (that at the time feel like torture) to heal, to develop faith and to grow my relationship with the Lord.
Picture this: For years you have knelt on your knees praying with real intent for the desires of your heart. You are truly about to give up when the Lord answers many of your prayers in large ways. Then He opens a beautiful windy open road before you. The road ahead seems hazy and you hesitate a little, yet you sense that it is perfect for you and your heart of heart desires. In faith you head down that way and before you get too far you run straight into a roadblock and bam; you get hit in the face and knocked down. You feel perplexed because it wasn’t there before, it’s like it shot out of the ground and flung itself right at you when you were just minding your own business. You feel a sense of injustice and anger. You throw a fit. Yelling at God “I thought the road was clear, you showed me an open road! Why did you let me get hit in the face. That hurt!”
In time you come to realize that had you not ran into that roadblock you wouldn’t have picked up the things you needed along the way. The nourishment that was provided you desperately needed to continue on your journey. You apologize to your Maker and repent. Admitting that once again He knew more than you did.
So you go along your journey happy to have gotten the nourishment you needed and feeling more ready to face what lies ahead. Which of course is more beautiful open road; or so you thought! Bam! You are hit again! This one goes for the gut and leaves you breathless. You cry out “Lord, why hast Thou forsaken me?” This time there is no bitterness or anger just deep, deep sorrow and despair.
At a loss for words you sob, curled up in the middle of the road, content on burying a hole and staying there. You are surrounded by deafening silence that make your muffled sobs feel ear peircing. You are convinced you can go no further and that a loving God wouldn’t ask you to. Then you hear it, a faint whisper. Immediately you know His voice and in your moment of deep shame and embarrassment you know He is here to say the worst. He is going to remind you of all the times He helped pull you through and yet you still lack faith. He is going to tell you that you are neglecting your responsibilities as a mother and that your children need you to buck up and move on. You cringe as you ready yourself for the blow. Holding onto that glimmer of hope of all that He is.
Then the words are audible. There is no shaming, no laundry list of things to do, no reprimanding or reminder of how many times He has been there for you. There is just love. A deep emanating love that exudes from His heart and deep into your soul. Without words He tells you “You are not alone.” Every dark crevice in your soul is enlightened and every ache subsides. For this moment you just “are” and what you are is of infinite worth to Him. This Being of Light sees something in you that is good and right. Something worth fighting for. He has already fought for you and won. Now He is here to teach you how to fight for yourself and win. With renewed strength you carry on with your journey clinging to this moment each time the roadblocks hit you. Each time getting renewed faith in your Lord and in your Savior.
The road has been hard, the roadblocks have been excruciatingly painful but the journey of the soul has been well worth it. I was reminded of this at church on Sunday when a woman gave a lesson on us as members striving to be like Christ. In that striving we often shoot for perfection because after all the Savior was perfect. We however, are imperfect, yet we believe we are fully aware of what perfection should look like.
She gave us an example using this stitched heart. When you look at it, it looks like a perfect heart with well defined lines and beautiful colors.
But when you turn it over you can see the effort that it took to make that perfect heart. It looks messy and chaotic. From this angle it appears that many mistakes have been made and it will never look like the heart you were achieving to create.
If you created this masterpiece while only being able to see the back you would probably be really frustrated and discouraged. You would say that you aren’t good at this and you simply weren’t cut out for this. You would claim that you weren’t talented or smart and you would feel justified in these claims. After all, what you see is no work of art; but little did you know.
Little do you know my friends the masterpieces that you are making. You stand on one side seeing the chaos but your friends and family see the beautiful artwork you are creating and we are amazed by you. But even we have limited vision. The Lord sees the masterpiece you are creating, the big picture at the end and the tireless hours you have spent creating it. He feels your pain as you prick your finger while you work, trying to navigate a system that is new to you. He sees your tear stained pillow and hears your muffled sobs. He is there with you in the throngs of it all. He loves you and He loves your masterpiece. He aches for you to share your life with him the way a kindergartener would share his/her newly colored picture. Invite him in. Tell Him about your picture and what you are trying to create. I’m willing to bet He’s a pretty good art teacher. 😉
Thanks for reading. I hope I captured my reverence for My Lord and Redeemer while speaking so openly about my raw and real relationship with Him.
Please help this feeling of awe and gratitude stay alive by commenting in the posts below either about how the Savior has changed your life or how someone has inspired you with their perfectly imperfect masterpiece!